i dont know what to do about all this... so to try and get my head around it, im going to write down everything that i can remember from that night, even if it doesnt make sense to anyone else.. maybe it'll help me sort myself out?
i was hanging with this little kid coz the nice guy, sam had gone to work. he was coming to wacky wednesday (ww) later - "maybe". anyway, turns out that i and this 13-year-old actually got along, so long as i put up with him calling me fat and such. typical teen male right? seriously, hanging with this kid... its kinda easy to forget how young he is, yet everytime i remembered, i felt this horrible, somewhat maternal, twinge of guilt in my stomach. why? coz i kept finding myself dwelling on how attractive he really was. but fuck! he's only a child.... sam was younger too, but only by a year or so.. not four like obi. so i was sort of torn. i didnt know what the fuck was going on between me and adam (the "not-sure-if-he-is-my-boyfriend-or-not" boyfriend) and sam, who i'd been hanging with (and flirting with) all day, well i wasnt even sure if i'd ever see him again coz it was only a "maybe" about ww. and here i was finding myself attracted to a 13-year-old! was that wrong? so confused...
we get back to the share house, and hang out for a bit, before cracking into the goon. i didnt have that but at first, just enough to get me chilled. next thing i know, obi is sitting on my lap. just came over and made himself comfortable. i had no problem. i love cuddles. then the real goon sculling began. you know how when you're hugging people you start to pat them or stroke their arms for no apparent reason? well i started doing that after a while. i dunno why. its just a habbit. i suppose he good didnt help tho. and then obi started saing stuff like, "seriously.. all this stroking is a bit much for a horny virgin. you know, if ou keep doing that, im going to hae to try and makeout with you." and i was all like "dude, if your gonna start talking like that, im going to need to be a lot drunker than i am right now"... and so the goon began. i dont know why i kept drinking, maybe to forget about what was happening with adam, or what WASNT happening, i really dont know. but the more i drank, the more i wanted to keep drinking, and so i did.
next thing i know, obi's face is right up near mine. everyone else had left the room, and i just... let him kiss me... i hadnt been kissed with such need, such hunger, in so long that i sort of ended up going along with it and kissing him back. but the whole time i kept thinking, christ, this is wrong.. its too wrong.. he's only two years older than my baby sister! and i tried to make him stop. i dont't know whether it was the alcohol or the fact that i hadnt experienced any of that kind of affection in so bloody long, or a mixture of both, but everytime i pushed him away he kept coming back - and i let him. and things started to get blurry. it was around 10 when i really started to freak. this was a child! i am kissing a child! im fouryears older than him! what the fuck would adam think if he could see me now??? oh... Christ. what was i doing?! this had to stop. i pushed him away... i kept telling him he was just a boy and that i shouldnt do this... i couldnt do this. i think i hurt him. gys never like being told they are too young, too sweet, to innocent. in all truthfulness, from what i had learned about him during the day, he was less innocent than me in some ways, but i couldnt get my head around the fact that he was so young. too young. too cute for his own good - no! cant think like that! i pushed him away, and he left the party. he onl lived across the road...
it was at this point that i began to cry. nina took me to the bathroom - where we had to use newspaper coz there was no toilet paper left in the house. and i broke down... i told nina everthing. all about my confusion with adam, and how lonely and unloved and broken i felt. nina told me to text adam, to tell him how i felt so i did. my sent messages are saved into my phone, and so this is what i had sent: "I love you. More than you wi'll ever know. And im sorry if you dont feel the same way. But i just want you um know that i love you. And i'm sorry that i fell so hard." after that i went back to the main room, where i fell onto the couch, unable to sit up straight, let alone stand. from my slouch, i was able to see the cast of goon, and through my sobs, i drank more, gulping it down like water. i was so thirsty, and so sad... it was all too much, and i went outside, just in case i threw up. i didnt want to dirty their already filthy house anymore.
when i got outside, i walked to the edge of the house to the path, and fell down with my head in the grass. i pushed myself up and threw up into the grass. not long after, while i was still on all fours, a guy called pat came out looking for me. we had been intoduced earlier in the night, and he seemed like an alright kind of fellow. he came and checked on me, and went back inside to get me a glass of water. when he came back out and gave it to me, i tried to sit up, although all that ended up happening was i spilt the water on myself and he had to go in and get more. while he was inside, matt (a friend from a VERY different social circle) called me on my mobile. he was on his way home from a party and felt like a chat. i tried to act normal, but my facade didnt last long. i told about everything that i remembered happening, from not knowing what to do about adam, to hooking up with obi. he kept telling me things would be fine, and that alcohol wasnt the answer. after a while of me rambling and pulling up tufts of grass (which smelled strangely like onion) zoella came out. she had been off talking to brett about some stuff that needed talking about but then she had heard what state i was in and came looking for me. she was in no right state herself, but she tried to talk to matt anyway. she said something which i cant remember, then hung up and cuddled me for a bit.
its about here that things start to get really shady for a while. zoe wanted me to come back inside but i still felt rather ill, so i said i wanted to stay. somehow, a doona was brought outside. i dont know by who, or when, but it was there and then i was lying on it, looking at the stars and smoking. someone came out and joined me, i think it was pat. he brought one of the goon sacks, and we drank some more. we cuddled for a bit, coz he felt like a cuddle and he said i looked like i needed one. after a while, he went back inside, and i was alone. again. it was cold, but i couldnt go back in. i felt like throwing up again so i crawled half onto the grass. and that was where i stayed. face down in the grass. i dont know how long it was before sam came. i didnt think he was comming. a ew people came to check on me, and i guess they just made sure i was breathing then left. and then sam came. he rocked up in a taxi with some of the other guys who had been there earlier. i think he saw me coz i think i heard him say "who's that?" and then i think i remember someone saying "oh, dude, i think thats kara. she was there when we let as well." next thing i know sam is next to me, and he's all like, "wow, kara. you need to chill the fuck out. and i need to get fucked"
the goon sack was only a few feet away so he grabbed it and sculled. after a while, one of us, i cant remember who, decided the were hungry, and the decision was made to go to 7/11. so he helped me up, and we stumbled up the street and through the alleys to the park. i dont remember much about the walk to 7/11. i know we stopped a few times coz sam needed to "chill out". it was about 1am. we got to 7/11 and sam got a slurpie and told me to get something to eat because i needed to sober up a little. i got some pringles. we went back through the park.. and i needed to go to the toilet... sam said he knew where an exeloo was (one of those automatic toilet thingies) and so we went looking. but when we got there, it was closed. sam tried to break into it but i said dont worry coz i was scared of getting into trouble. we stopped to eat and drink. the pringles and slurpie sobered me a little, but then i just felt ill from eating so we went back to the house. we met zoe on the way back. she and another guy named tom were off to the park to.. well... i think you get the idea. this nice guy, Jules was riding around the streets on a bike that he had taken from the front lawn of the house where the party was. he rode back with me and sam. at some point on the way back i had gotten cold or started shivering or something because sam had put his arms aound me.
we got back to the house and i went to the loo, using some tissue i had found in my handbag. i felt ill, but people had to use the toilet, so i went bad outside. sam was on the doona (which was still lying in the front lawn) and i just sort of slumped down next to him. we drank some more goon, finished off the sack. and then it got really cold... raining... huddling for warmth? i dont know. i dont know if i was asking for it. i dont know if i tried to stop it. people kept going back and forth. laughing, or spewing, or both at the same time. peeing in the garden... walking right by us. i dont know if i was awake or not or somewhere in between. i dont know if i was enjoying myself at the time. i dont know if i was crying. it didnt seem like that long, but soon the sky began to grow lighter. not ver noticeably, but when your outside on your back and facing up, straight up because if you look anywhere else the nausia hits, you notice the little things.
and then sam had to go. he had to go home because he had snuck out. had to be home for breakast and sleep. had i slept? i dont know if i was asleep or awake or anything. they called me inside. my clothes were all over the grass. along with someone's cummy tshirt. not mine, thank god. i think he had come on my chest. at least thats what everyone else had said, and that was better than in me. i was so cold. i pulled what clothes of mine that were essential for basic coverage back on and stumbled inside. they pulled me in. i don't know who. obi was there. didnt talk to me. looked at me in disgust tho... what had i done? what HAVE i done? i was put in a fold out couch next to zoe. tried to go to sleep. but then the shivering started. so cold... everything was cold. no matter how close to zoe i clung, i was still shivering. i started to cry, the shivering and the cold, and oh, god what have i done??? the people who lived in one of the rooms, the room we were stying in, they realised what was happening coz they had all met zoe at tafe doing a nursing course, so they pulled me out of the couch bed and put me on another matress on the floor in the corner. the put like, 3 doonas on top of me, i a think i drifed in and out of sleep for around an hour. then m alarm went of. time to take my pill.
i got up, and went outside and puked some more. knicked a cigarette out of somebody's packet and got my bags ready. my bags with the pajamas i didnt where and the toy i couldnt cuddle in fron of these people even thouh i desperately wanted to, the dvd's i didnt watch. zoe was already up. she's a morning person. we left the house,. headed for the station. i had to meet up with some other friends. we bought ciggies on the way coz i had finished off 2 packets over the night. zoe talked stuff over with me. i pretended to know what she was on about. i pretended that i didnt really mind what she had said i'd done. christ... am i a terrible person? why did i do this?
every train and tram swap was a nightmare. and each time i got of a mode of transport, i threw up a bit more bile. i waited at the cafe to meet ken. i sat on the chairs outside in the pouring rain and smoked. when ken got there, he was just like, kay... im getting a coffee... you look like shit. he took me back to his and a had a shower. i kinda just sat in the shower and cried for a bit, letting the water run over me. then i got back into my onion- grass smelling clothes and we went to leigh's... on the way to the tram, adam called ken. he had gotten drunk tha night too, but not as drunk as me, as he later found out. he had hooked up wih connor. and tried to hook up with jordan. and that set me off again. the tears... the crying was what i feared most because they ar getting sick of it.i cant help it. everthing is hurting so much these days... went to tegans after getting leigh. and i spose the rest i already know, coz i was sober.
this is a quot from a movie a whated today, and i found it rather apprpriate for my life:
"The heart dies a slow death, shedding each hope like leaves, until one day there are none. No hopes. Nothing remains. She paints her face to hide her face. Her eyes are deep water. It is not for her to want. It is not for her to feel. She is an artist of the floating world. She dances. She sings. She entertains you. Whatever you want. The rest is shadows. The rest is secret."
Hey, i like your blog. I'm Cathy, Obi's girlfriend, um i added you on facebook to tell you this if you dont get this, hmm this is is dragging on a lot, but i think you should post more :)
ReplyDeleteCathy x